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10 Gifts NOT To give The Cook On your Listing

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It has been some time since we have played Scrooge. In 2011, I compiled 10 issues not to provide the home cook for the vacation season. Final yr, I offered 5 “alternative” gifts for them as an alternative. But we’ll take it back to that curmudgeonly place the place it all began, since there are always newfangled meals toys coming from the North Pole (or Mount Sinai for Hanukkah Harry land). Ho, ho, Who obtained me this crap?!

1. Lemon Reamer

I get the attraction of this stuff — it looks like some crafty sensible man made it in his shed. But if you are holding a lemon half with one hand and this factor in the opposite, stabbing and turning it, you are exerting an terrible lot of effort when you can get the identical outcome from squeezing the half in one hand. However, I just like the word “ream.” We must always use it extra often.

What to get instead:
A very good, solid wooden spoon.

2. Garlic Press

Truth: garlic does not press cleanly from one of those gadgets. If you are wondering what to do with the squeezed total half of the clove left inside this thing, you can toss it right into a pot of stock or scraps to make inventory with, however I am guessing you would be compelled to toss it out instead. This “device” was deemed so ineffective to me and Brokeass Gourmet that we both known as it out in an article.

What to get instead:
A pleasant reducing board. If your cook really cooks lots, he or she is going to recognize it.

Three. Accessories That Say “Kale”

Hoodies, tote baggage, t-shirts and espresso mugs evidently have a new advertising angle in kale’s booming popularity. I’m not sure if the folks shopping for these items really like kale so much, or assume it is ridiculous how a lot the leafy green is liked by others. I like kale and all, but buying more random things you do not really want in the name of a slogan? Oh, kale no.

What to get as an alternative:
An ugly Christmas sweater.

Four. Toque

Until you are planning to dress up as the Swedish Chef subsequent Halloween, you do not need a toque. You will look foolish in a toque. A toque won’t do a better job of holding hair out of your food than a baseball cap. And this toque will burn a gap in your closet for all of eternity.

What to get as a substitute:
Bar mops. What the professionals really have a number of use for.

5. Waffle Iron

Hey, hey, it is waffle Monday! Stated no one ever. I notice that folks have been using waffle irons for many artistic functions these days, which I commend, because they had been in all probability so frustrated by having a waffle iron burn a gap of their closet for all of eternity that they were decided to make use of it ultimately apart from making waffles. But you don’t have to put an individual in that conundrum in the primary place.

6. Obnoxiously Shaped Wine Decanter

Wine decanters are already an obnoxious object: they indicate that wine bottles usually are not good enough for holding wine in before you drink it, and that if you do not have one, you’re just a sorry, sloppy drunk with no finesse. However these sorts of decanters actually take it to the next stage of obnoxious-ness, in hand-blown glass and preposterously fragile shapes. (Sure, I had an ex-boyfriend who was all about this stuff. And yes, the preposterously fragile hand-blown glass decanter broke, spraying the whole flooring with the tiniest shards, like mud from hell.)

What to get instead:
An amazing bottle of wine, in fact.

7. Scraper

Most superfluous kitchen tools are designed to look far more sophisticated than they should for the duty they serve. This one truly looks identical to what it’s: a waste of house.

What to get as a substitute:
A pleasant cast-iron pan.

8. “Multi-Function” Silicone Pads

These will not be efficient — they slip and slide from the handles of hot cookware (regardless of any textured “grips”) they usually’re too stiff to actually flex sufficient to get a good grip on it together with your hand. Therefore, you will easily burn yourself taking one thing out of the oven with these (imagine attempting to know the thin rims of a scorching pie pan with them). And they don’t make a lovely or very efficient trivet, both. Fail.

What to get instead:
A cleaver

9. Vacation-Themed Serveware

No, simply because eating in-season elements does not mean that your platters and bowls, glasses and napkins must be “seasonal” as well. Okay, perhaps your disposable napkins can be. I’m the responsible occasion of that one. See? I’m not a totally anti-enjoyable, inhuman being.

What to get as a substitute:
A correct cheese knife or two

10. Really Girly, Frilly, 1950s-Esque Apron, Oven Mitt, or Different Kitchen Apparel

Okay, possibly I am the Grinch Who Stole Christmas Enjoyable. However this one takes the cake for so many reasons — despite the fact that I had already ranted about them final time round. They don’t go away! It’s as if Bettie Page had been reincarnated as Nigella Lawson and had a birthday lawn party the place mimosas and brunch waffles (in the proper waffle iron) have been served with backyard fruit-adorned summer serveware Cheap 100% Cotton Design Oh them wonderful lands Children’s T-shirt (and napkins!) because of the pimp guys assistance of lemon reamers and hand-blown glass decanters at the bar. Oh, and kale was served at this social gathering! And you already know who else was there? Yours really, in a big, black trenchcoat completely out of place like a cloud of doom having essentially the most unpleasant, unholiday-esque, un-enjoyable time of all my life. I love this social gathering, truly. Please invite me to it.

What to get instead:
A tricky and prepared-for-action apron with the curmudgeonly cook in query’s personal title embroidered on it. Thank you.

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